I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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