Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
