Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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