Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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