Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
