My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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