Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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