So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Randomize
