I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
