Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
