Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize