When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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