The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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