he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize