So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
