I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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