She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
