Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
