Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
