I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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