I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
