seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize