so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
