your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The ass gains better be worth it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
