I think I am morally bankrupt
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
