Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
