oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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