So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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