Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
