I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize