Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize