Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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