you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Randomize
