He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
