Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
