I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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