I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
