i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
