I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
