if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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