loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
