you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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