someone threw a dead crab at me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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