I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize