Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
