i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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