So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
this is an emotional support booty call
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
