I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
