i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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