Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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