I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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