He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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