Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
