Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
