Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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