Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
