she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize