Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
