Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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