someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
