I wanna bring you to show and tell
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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