remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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