i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
