I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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