Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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