My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
