Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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