If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
