Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
